i have been reminiscing about my past years... mostly about the bad times... and the confusion...
i don't want to entirely forget it, it is what makes me who i am today, but i have moved on.
i remember the first time i cut, with a disposable razor in the shower. i kept slicing and scratching my wrists, leaving tiny marks, then i grabbed a pair of scissors and but a tad deeper the next night. then deeper and longer.
i remember when i started cutting, slitting my wrists and thighs so they would drip pure, red rubies, leaving little red scabs and scars to form. i found it relieving. it felt good when i cut, when i sat in the tub and let the blood drip and cloud in the water, to have it run down my arm and leg... staining my skin red as well.
i remember swallowing bottles upon bottles of ibuprofen, just to try and sleep, the countless bottles of nyquil to try and sleep, and to make the pain go away. but know i now that pain medication won't get any emotional problem and pain to dissipate...
i remember when i would cry and would pretend everything was fine, when i wanted to someone to help me, but i was afraid to ask.
i remember when some of my friends knew of my self-mutilation, but never did anything but threaten to throw a pepsi bottle at me if i did it again.
i remember when i wanted to quit cutting, and popping ibuprofen...
i remember when it failed.
again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
i remember when i finally did stop.
i remember when things felt a bit better.
i remember when i found some scar cream, and how i applied it contantly.
i remember when the scars returned back to smooth skin.
i know now that i am better, i am who i am because of this.
it has shaped me.
i am stronger.
- Mood:
Relief
ouch...
Hurt
Love
Adoration
